I’m feeling awfully reflective at the moment. I’ve been reading a book of meditations again. Today’s topic is rather poignant. Silence.
All of humanity’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone.
I can’t remember the last time I was alone. Unless you count the 3.5 minutes it takes me to drive too and from work. Someone is always with me. Either My mother, my daughter, my partners, my ex, my co-workers. I can’t remember the last time I just sat by myself, or walked by myself, or took time to just be.
I wonder when I last took time for myself. I wonder when I last sat still until everything in my mind rolled to a stop. I wonder if it ever stops. My attention is never on one thing. I am a multi tasker, multi- tabber. At work I run three screens of other people’s problems and then another consumed with all the things I am constantly trying to handle manage and take care of.
I almost crave the silence. I want to stop the Sizzler and get off the ride. I can’t remember when things were simple. I don’t think my world has ever been simple. I can’t stop striving, pushing for something more, something better. I am never satisfied.
I need to find a way to slow myself down. I need to find a way to be present in the moment. I need to find a way to turn off the bit of me that keeps auto-filling the search field and predicting the most likely results.
Today I am challenging myself to take a hard look at my limits. Or rather my perceived limits. If I step back and look at my life, I feel like I don’t have a lot of hard noes. Most things are negotiable and I have crappy boundaries. I also seldom force an issue or push the edges of things if it makes me uncomfortable. If it make my “people” uncomfortable.
As most know, I am part of a closed triad. My partners have much more open ideas about “free passes” and other sexual activities. I am struggling. I understand in theory that this is jealousy and likely has to do with my own feelings of not getting enough. I fail to have this conversation though. Instead- I’m here blogging about it. Will I ante up and talk about it. I don’t know. I have a tendency to wait until someone else wants to talk about it before I talk. Maybe I’m not ready. Maybe I need to push the envelope a little harder on addressing my own needs.
To that end- I started therapy today. Therapy terrifies me. I had a really messed up shrink a few years ago. He was writing a paper or a book on bipolar. He was convinced that I was bipolar. Medicated me heavily even though I did not accept the diagnosis. Did not seek a second opinion when I expressed dismay and lack of improvement. I was on a crap ton of Mirtazapine, Seroquel, and Klonopin. He kept telling me that I must accept my diagnosis or I would never ever get better. You trust your doctor, you believe them. Instead I went to my GP and said hey- I think that something else is going on please test me. As it turns out, I have Cushing’s disease. A tiny tumor in my pituitary gland. I stopped the drugs and found a new therapist. Who actually helped with my then anxiety. So here I am. Pushing my limits and dampening my fears.
I, I am going to get better. I am going to build boundaries. I am going to take better care of myself. I am going to listen when my inner voice tells me something. I am going to listen when my heart hurts. I am going to be better.
It’s been nearly two weeks since I have posted. I’ve been turning things over and over in my mind. Wondering “Have I made the right choices?” My answer comes back to the idea that they are my choices. I made them, I can’t unmake them, therefore they must have been the right choices. This must be what I meant to be doing right now and it will stay this way until its not what I am meant to be doing right now.
I find myself out of balance in my relationships. I’m struggling. I’m Sharing 50/50 custody of Thalia and I feel like I never see her. Or when I do see her- I am so busy trying to encourage her relationship with Sam and Kara or Working Job 1 and 2 that I am not getting any quality time with her. I worry about how all the back and forth is affecting her. I want her to be a part of her Dad’s Life. I would never ever try to keep them apart. I just miss my girl.
My relationship with Kara is actually really good right now. I am so excited and happy about that. She is such a wonderful woman, a wonderful human. I really love her. I love her sense of humor. I love the way the light glances off her hair. I love the way we look at each other. I love the way she comforts and cares for me. This relationship is amazing.I am so so happy to be a part of it.
My relationship with Sam. I never used to worry about it. It was an abstract thing, something that didn’t have immediate impact. I just loved him- and knew I couldn’t do anything about it. Now that things are different, we are supposed to actually be in a relationship together and not just quietly holding our hearts- I’m not so sure about the relationship. I’m not so sure about him as a person. Confronted with the reality- I have doubts. I don’t know what I am going to do about them, and I don’t know how to fix it. I feel less than I did before and explaining it, talking about it, so far isn’t helping me. I’m falling into old fears of being insignificant and unimportant.
I feel like Zee is straining our co parenting\co habitaing relationships as well. He’s all apologies and promises. Please just come back, please just make it better. I can’t. I can not go back. The price was way to high for me. I can’t go back and nothing will ever change long term. He will always be unambitious, resentful and disrespectful of both my body and my mind. I can’t, I won’t.
Back in the early nineties, I became one of the youngest practicing Reiki masters in the State. It was a substantial part of my early pagan development. Somehow, I lost touch with it. I say somehow like I don’t know what happened. In truth. I retreated into the darkness. I consciously stepped into the dark and stayed. I stopped practicing. I stopped believing that I had any kind of affect. I curled into myself and tried to stay as stable and safe as I possibly could. I shut down.
A couple months ago- give or take- I signed onto meetup.com and I found a local Reiki meetup group. I went to a social gathering and met a few local practitioners and we had a healing circle. Not traditional laying of the hands but more of a holding hands and sharing energy.
It felt so good. It was spiritually cleansing. I went home and had to take a shower because I could suddenly feel all the metaphysical yuck that was covering me. I’ve been internally taking stock since that moment. Trying to figure out how to get back to the place where I can heal no only myself, but offer that healing out to the universe as well.
I find myself turning more and more inward. I’m not comfortable with the feel of my energy right now. I need to meditate, to bask in the light. I need to adjust perceptions, I need to figure some of my self hate, shame, blame, perfectionism, anger, and depression issues. For the first time in many years I actually want to do this again. I want to re-embrace the light.
I don’t know what particular path I am going to follow back to it. Maybe I just need to start practicing again. Maybe I need to meditate. Maybe I need to channel energy. Maybe I need to sort out my Chakras. Maybe I need to focus on self healing. I’m not sure. It IS time to begin. Time to start actively trying.
Sometimes its nice to sit down and dream wild dreams. You can sit down with your loves and talk about all your ideals. I want to live in Europe for a time. I want to work for Google. I want to send my kid to an international school. I’d like to learn another language or six. I want to live communally. All of those things lead me to dream of Denmark, Copenhagen, Aarhus. A chance to be an expat. Something calls out to my wandering gypsy feet.
This Conversation began yesterday afternoon, a conversation about schools for Thalia. If we stay stateside, we will home school. There is nothing good left in the American public school system, in my oh so humble opinion. Then Kara mentioned that their is a shortage of IT workers in Denmark. Denmark has progressive schools, excellent health care, and is has had a large population of people living communally since the 60s. Denmark’s residents are some of the happiest people on earth.
So an actual conversation then ensued. What would it take, how much would it cost, how much would we need to save, could we live together? What are the laws? Could Kara get her PhD? Would we need to learn danish? What Kind of documentation would we need. Could we get the other parents to sign off on allowing us to take the children?
The answers to most of these questions were quickly sussed out. It is surprisingly easy. Shockingly enough Zee was on board with me moving to the other side of the world with Thalia. Yes, we would have to learn danish. Yes Kara could get her PhD. Yes, I could work for Google. Yes, Thalia and Calli could both go to Danish schools. Yes, Visas and Permits would need to be acquired. yes, we could live together. Yes, We would need a few thousand dollars. Over all though, its reasonable and doable.
So the question becomes, Do we dare to dream of Denmark?
This weekend Is Imbolc, or Candlemas. I am excited. Sam, Kara and I will be participating in a group ritual with the local Cuups group here in Des Moines. I haven’t actively done ritual for at least 8 years. I am excited to bring this back into my life, but at the same time Nervous, and unsure of what to expect.
I’ve felt it more this year. The growing changing world. This first of Spring celebration is exciting. Normally this time of year I’m kicking off the Mardi Gras Celebrations <–Yes I know totally a catholic thing. I don’t care though. I have spent enough time engulfed in the multiple weeks of Celebration in New Orleans, that The Mardi Gras energy lives in me every year. I’ve never experienced anything quite like the energy floating through that city at this time of year. It will be nice to have a new outlet for my spring energy since I no longer travel and live in that world any more.
I am also excited because this is the first of the fire festivals. Nothing brightens me more. Fire festivals in general light me up, I’m a fire sign and I have an affinity for it. The burning passions that mark my life and the fiery intensity with which I live. Then add in that its a purification holiday- where we can burn away that which does not serve us and make space for all that is new. This seems like a really good thing in my mind. I can’t wait to dance, drum, light the fires, raise the energy and just revel in it. Saturday cannot come fast enough.